Making Marriage Last

Marriage is supposed to be a lifetime commitment, a pledge to do whatever is necessary to keep the relationship together. If couples look at matrimony as a job they can quit or an apartment they can break the lease on, their marriage is headed for trouble. Spouses have to agree that keeping the marriage healthy is their top priority. To do that, they have to commit time and energy to it. Both spouses should be as concerned with the welfare of each other as they are with themselves.

Devoting time to one’s marriage can require some tough decisions, such as turning down challenging work assignments that would take away from “couple time,” spending less time with friends, leaving the office even when duty calls, etc. But it can also be as simple as having a weekly “date night.”

Though unexpected events, such as death of a family member or loss of a job, happen to everyone, these events should not be used as an excuse to ignore one’s commitment to their marriage. Committed couples who deal with unexpected problems together actually strengthen their marital bonds.

Do you lack commitment to your marriage?

Are you a “workaholic”? Do you spend so much time at work or at your volunteer job that you miss important family functions? Do you rationalize the excessive time you spend at work by saying it’s “for the family”?

Have you physically or emotionally abused your spouse? Are you so hung up on having control over everything that you lash out to keep your spouse in line?

Do you spend hours and hours meeting strangers on the Internet? Do you complain about your spouse in anonymous chat rooms?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you may lack the necessary commitment to keep your marriage afloat. These aren’t the only situations, but they are ones that are seen a lot. Workaholics use work as an excuse to avoid conversation and intimacy with their spouse. Abusers use threats and violence to make sure they always get what they want. Internet junkies shut their spouses out by talking to strangers about marital problems.

If you notice yourself in these scenarios, it’s time to recommit yourself to your marriage.

Changes in Priorities

The most common change in priorities comes during a “mid-life crisis." Fearing the transition into older age or more responsibility, such as having children, many people push aside all that they have valued in exchange for something new, exciting or completely opposite.

But there are other reasons for changed priorities: children going to college, which can often prompt stay-at-home moms to re-evaluate their lives in their children’s absence; a deteriorating sex life; major health problem; the completion of a longtime goal; or death of a parent or child. Any of these things can make a person feel the need to break away from their “routine” as a way to get back what they feel they have lost.

Once again, the key is communication. Couples need to discuss their priorities and their expectations, and what they hope to achieve in the future. And they should do this not just on their honeymoon, but throughout their marriage. Even if they don’t always agree on the specifics of the new priorities, an open line of communication will facilitate a resolution as well as prevent unpleasant surprises.

It has been said that most of life’s happiness, and most of its misery, emanate from one’s marriage.

Spouses in a happy marriage are more productive on the job, are physically healthier and experience less emotional stress than their unhappily married counterparts. They also raise happier, healthier, more confident children who themselves go on to have happy marriages.

Improving Your Marriage

-Treat your spouse like your best friend or most important colleague
-Don’t expect to get more from your spouse than you give of yourself.
-Don’t lose your sense of humor; have fun with your spouse.
-Don’t demean your spouse in public or in private.
-Learn to listen, learn to hear.
-Learn to argue respectfully.
-Look for resolution rather than victory.
-Assess your own mistakes and acknowledge them.
-When you apologize, mean it, and sound like it. Be short on blame and long on forgiveness.
-Be willing to change your opinions and attitudes.
-Look at changes in your life as an opportunity to grow.
-Don’t try to change your spouse; accept your spouse “as is.”